Tag Archives: emotions

An Old Post | Start of the Spectre of Delusion


Something I didn’t post back in 2016 because I didn’t have the energy to polish it. This might get a bit confusing (very appropriate), since I’ve tried this before, in May 2016, but failed to publish it then. I kept the intro I wrote back then in this post (just to torture you, jk). Some context, Daphne was my girlfriend when I was 10 or so years old.


For me the Daphne period of life has ended. I think I can let go of the pain now. It did produce quite a spurt of creativity inside me. I wrote in a diary and in a notebook plus a thing I shouldn’t mention. The work might be too unstructured to properly publish or even make into something decent. So now I leave you, dear reader and myself, with one the last post that was actually one of the first things I wrote after hearing of Daphne’s death.

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I calmed down again since I’ve written my last post. Of course I still feel some grief, but it’s now mostly present in the back of my mind, instead of consuming almost every moment, like it’s done in the past two days.

When I first found out about Daphne I wrote a lot and talked to a lot of people about it. In that emotional chaos my dad showed me a page in a book called “Who’s who in the Ancient World”:

Daphne (‘bay’ or ‘laurel’)

A Greek mountain-nymph who was pursued by Apollo, and in answer to her prayer for help changed by Mother Earth into a bay or laurel tree….

The story goes on after this first sentence, but for the purpose of this blog post the mere essence of the first sentence suffices.

After showing me the Daphne of antiquity, my dad also told me that we have a Daphne plant in our garden. He said it was there when we moved in. But in recent years other plants have hidden the Daphne plant from sight and he thought the plant might have been dead too. The next day he showed me a picture of the Daphne plant and we went to look if she was still there.

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The plant wasn’t dead there was still something of the Daphne plant remaining. It is the plant with the light greenish leaves in the picture below.

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I think I’ll try to give it more space and if the plant is also dead, I’ll plant a new Daphne plant. Maybe when I do so a new Daphne will be born too. Reality of course doesn’t work that way but in fiction we can pretend it does.

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Here I’ll give a note from the present (May 2016), the Daphne plant hasn’t died. After my mom and dad came back from their vacation in Greece, my dad saved the Daphne plant for me, by removing parts of the plants that were blocking its acces to the sun.

In a way her death makes me feel the suffering of others more… I probably couldn’t have saved her even if I tried to contact her again. But maybe she will inspire me to safe some other lives. My first thought was to do something political, but the succes of such endeavours would always be uncertain. Today I was called by someone from the red cross. I have made some one time donations to them, and the person calling me wanted to know if I’d be interesserend in having a monthly “subscription” thing. I said I’d prefer not to since it’s often necessary to change where your charity goes depending on circumstances, however now the circumstances dictate that the redcross is probably in need of more donations than usual.  I think I remember the guy on the phone telling me the redcross is the only organisation with acces to the region of Syria. A quick google search falsified that statement, however I do agree that the redcross currently probably needs more money than usual so I’ve donate something to them.


Some last notes from 2020. 

  1. I now know much better what charities (and methods of giving) are more effective. GiveWell has a list of evidence backed charities. This might not literally be the most good you can do with a charitable donation, since GiveWell requires pretty solid evidence a charity actually works and some charities might have more uncertain but potentially bigger impacts. It is a very good start though.
  2. The Daphne plant is dead. I guess that’s ok. It was always only of metaphorical importance.
  3. This post could probably do with some more editing, but I probably shouldn’t return to it again soon, because of mental health reasons, so I’ll publish it now anyway. Might occasionally edit it.

I don’t know what to say


I don’t know what to say

That’s been me around people for quite a while

 

I used to have interests

Things in my life

Things to strive for that I wanted to share

 

Now there is no spark

No passion

No dreams

Only black holes

Continue reading I don’t know what to say

Should I really be turning tragedies into something “good?”


I feel kind of guilty again. This feeling feels very much the same as the last post I did about it. However, it’s slightly different this time. I kind of feel that I shouldn’t take anything good away from Daphne’s death. That it should just be a terrible tragedy instead of also something “good.”  But I am taking something good away from her death. The sadness I feel fills me with motivation to write things down. Now I’m even writing a very weird kind of book, because of it and in part about it. It might not be a book, it might become a game or visual novel or walking simulator. (This probably also means the post I promised will be the end of that novel or game. So you’ll have to wait for that one for quiet some time.) At least it’s going to be something,  instead of the sadness and tragedy I almost feel that this should be. I’m wrong about that of course. Sure death is sad, but we are always allowed to make something good out of it. I’m not sure if Daphne would have wanted this to happen, and I think I want to talk to her parents about this and some other things, but it is happening. It’s the way I’m going to deal with this sadness.

I also kind of feel like I don’t deserve to be sad. That because I haven’t seen her in 12, 13 or maybe even 14 years. I don’t deserve to be sad about her passing. That I can’t honour her memory because I didn’t really know her anymore. This is wrong too of course. Lots of people, which I actually know in real life, I know to the same degree as I know her. Those people and her I know more as almost an idea of a person than a person in and of themselves. And I bet that many people I know, now know me that way too. Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be sad if I die or that I shouldn’t be sad if they die.

I feel kind of bad that my previous post was my most successful ever


Don’t get me wrong I think it is probably one of my better posts, but I have weird feelings about the way it got successful.

My previous post got that many views because I actually promoted it. I didn’t really promote it for the sake of it getting a lot of views. I promoted it because I needed to talk to people about it so I shared it on my social media. I had some nice conversations with some people, and those people got to know some things about me they didn’t know before. But this whole post has been building up to it hasn’t it? It feels very wrong to “use” the death of someone I cared for, even if I didn’t really know her anymore, to “launch” some sort of internet succes. These are unfortunately feeling I haven’t found the exact cause for so I can’t “rationalise them away”… I think this post is going to do worse anyway, since I’m not in the mood to “market” this post beyond a simple twitter and perhaps facebook share. That’s maybe for the best…

Here’s a video talking about similar but not identical feelings  enjoy 🙂

 

 

How I deal with anger, or the way I try to choose the people in my life


I’m not angry very often, and I don’t like to be angry. This is something I’ve had ever since my childhood. I even had an period (around the age of 14), that I actively tried to ban all emotions from my mind. It was actually kind of successful and I hope that it didn’t do too much damage to my mental health. Continue reading How I deal with anger, or the way I try to choose the people in my life