Tag Archives: personal

Dream journal: the one where I’m a woman (Content warning suicide)


Photo by Arthur Ogleznev from Pexels

Quite a long time ago I had a dream where I was a woman (not my gender outside of the dream). I don’t think I recall what I looked like, besides fairly slim and I might have been wearing a dress.

I was at a party, having a good time or maybe not (I don’t remember many details about this dream, because I had it years ago and I didn’t keep a dream journal yet). I think I just watched one conversation evolve, not getting involved myself.

After a bit, I left alone. I think I took my car and just drove away. Over at the party, there had been an orange lamp on the wall, but most of the scene was pretty dark. Now the orange was slowly taking over as I continued driving.

Then I arrived at a cliff. Here the orange was at its brightest, the morning sun had conquered the shadows of the night. I got out of the car and jumped off the cliff.

The suicide wasn’t out of the ordinary for me. In the past, I have often had thoughts about suicide and though I didn’t usually dream about it, it didn’t seem surprising.

I don’t think I thought much of the fact I was a woman in the dream, even thought it was a fairly good experience. Maybe I thought nothing of it because of the nature of dreams, or because at least at the time I didn’t care what gender I was. I think now I might care a little bit, just lucky I was born in a matching body.

I think what did strike me was that I wasn’t myself in this dream, something I had at least not noticed being the case before this one.

I also don’t think I believed you could grasp any special meaning from dreams. However, about a month ago, I heard dreams aren’t all random either. In the Netflix docuseries The Mind, Explained, I learned that the emotions of the day can have quite an impact on what you dream about. Citizens of Germany during Hitler’s rule, for example, had a lot of very dark dreams.

Up until a few weeks ago, I was having plenty of luck, remembering and writing down my dreams. Now unfortunately not so much. So, I can’t examine if my emotions too have quite the impact on my dreams.

Despite that, I did find it odd that the episode stated that only 5% of peoples dreams take place in locations the dreamer doesn’t recognize. To me, this seemed very low, so I checked my journal for a bit and though my dreams take place in unknown places a lot more than 5% of the time, my initial guess, of almost all maybe 90%, is also probably wrong.

Dreams can be pretty interesting.

I don’t know what to say


I don’t know what to say

That’s been me around people for quite a while

 

I used to have interests

Things in my life

Things to strive for that I wanted to share

 

Now there is no spark

No passion

No dreams

Only black holes

Continue reading I don’t know what to say

Am I just rube?


I had a really nice evening yesterday. I went to one of the regular evenings of my debating society. I think the debates were some of the best I’ve ever seen. But that might also be because my mental state was perfect for watching a debate and thinking about it yesterday.

Despite this, or perhaps because of this, I did feel kind of weird. When I was talking to Robin and Takenori (two of my friends) at the bar, I wondered: how is it that everyone else seems to always be in this state of mind, where you can truly listen and bring truly great ideas to the table? Whereas I am only on rare occasions in such a mental state. I’m not sure to what extent this perception of mine was true or merely a skewed view I had of things.
Whether my perception was accurate or not it did make me feel a bit like the main character in “Children Are Bored on Sundays” by Jean Stafford. The main character, Emma (one of the people present at the debating evening is also called Emma), is a very smart woman who thinks she’s not smart.
The reason I recognized that feeling within myself, is perhaps not only caused by the debating evening itself, but also my own reminiscing of primary school. When I was always the kid with by far the most spelling errors, and humiliatingly had to put my hand down last when numbers of spelling errors were asked for in class.
My general state of being doesn’t help either. I’ve, unlike Emma, not finished any degrees. I’ve only ever come close. And I, probably also unlike Emma, am still far ways away from making any real money off off my intellect. Sure I’ve taught physics and math a bit to highschool kids but those aren’t my ideas, and as far as ideas of other people go, also not the most challenging.
But enough about me below here is the short story in podcast form. For the one in writing I think you need an subscription.

Should I really be turning tragedies into something “good?”


I feel kind of guilty again. This feeling feels very much the same as the last post I did about it. However, it’s slightly different this time. I kind of feel that I shouldn’t take anything good away from Daphne’s death. That it should just be a terrible tragedy instead of also something “good.”  But I am taking something good away from her death. The sadness I feel fills me with motivation to write things down. Now I’m even writing a very weird kind of book, because of it and in part about it. It might not be a book, it might become a game or visual novel or walking simulator. (This probably also means the post I promised will be the end of that novel or game. So you’ll have to wait for that one for quiet some time.) At least it’s going to be something,  instead of the sadness and tragedy I almost feel that this should be. I’m wrong about that of course. Sure death is sad, but we are always allowed to make something good out of it. I’m not sure if Daphne would have wanted this to happen, and I think I want to talk to her parents about this and some other things, but it is happening. It’s the way I’m going to deal with this sadness.

I also kind of feel like I don’t deserve to be sad. That because I haven’t seen her in 12, 13 or maybe even 14 years. I don’t deserve to be sad about her passing. That I can’t honour her memory because I didn’t really know her anymore. This is wrong too of course. Lots of people, which I actually know in real life, I know to the same degree as I know her. Those people and her I know more as almost an idea of a person than a person in and of themselves. And I bet that many people I know, now know me that way too. Doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be sad if I die or that I shouldn’t be sad if they die.

Just a quiet day


Today you’re getting a different post than I expected to give you. When I heard about the death of Daphne I did write quite a lot. Posts to the Facebook group I found out about her death from, a private message to Daphne her facebook profile, the post that went up that day, but also I half finished a post filled with poetic metaphor and yesterday and today I found a way to refine the central metaphor even more and link it back to my own thoughts and actions even more. However today I don’t have the energy to put in that kind of intellectual work. I’m tired from the emotional chaos of the weekend, and feel I should take a bit of a quit day to myself. Eat some food (I ate almost nothing yesterday) watch some Youtube, read some fiction and rest.

Creating fiction out of my real life experiences can wait a little longer.

I feel kind of bad that my previous post was my most successful ever


Don’t get me wrong I think it is probably one of my better posts, but I have weird feelings about the way it got successful.

My previous post got that many views because I actually promoted it. I didn’t really promote it for the sake of it getting a lot of views. I promoted it because I needed to talk to people about it so I shared it on my social media. I had some nice conversations with some people, and those people got to know some things about me they didn’t know before. But this whole post has been building up to it hasn’t it? It feels very wrong to “use” the death of someone I cared for, even if I didn’t really know her anymore, to “launch” some sort of internet succes. These are unfortunately feeling I haven’t found the exact cause for so I can’t “rationalise them away”… I think this post is going to do worse anyway, since I’m not in the mood to “market” this post beyond a simple twitter and perhaps facebook share. That’s maybe for the best…

Here’s a video talking about similar but not identical feelings  enjoy 🙂

 

 

My 3 positive core beliefs about the world


I don’t know how stable (They could change over time, or be different in different circumstances) the 5 core beliefs that I describe and argue in this post and my previous post are, however I feel like they are important (some a bit more than others) to me. Also the list of arguments for these beliefs (and of course against them as well, though I haven’t really shown you arguments against these beliefs) is of course a lot larger than I’ll provide in either of these posts. However I hope that these two posts give you some insight into who I am, at least politically/philosophically, and reveal some of the biases that this blog probably has.

1) I belief that equality is important, both in the economical sense as in the equal rights sense. Continue reading My 3 positive core beliefs about the world

Some of my core beliefs about the world


I think I have 5 beliefs that fundamentally shape the way I see the world and the way I interact with it. But before I continue, I must write that this self analysis is not based on the concept of core beliefs within psychology, which seems to be more based on beliefs about oneself. Instead the name is just something I came up with to describe 5 beliefs that I hold important in my life.

Here I’ll introduce the two negative beliefs I hold, and in the next post I’ll introduce the 3 positive ones. Continue reading Some of my core beliefs about the world

How I deal with anger, or the way I try to choose the people in my life


I’m not angry very often, and I don’t like to be angry. This is something I’ve had ever since my childhood. I even had an period (around the age of 14), that I actively tried to ban all emotions from my mind. It was actually kind of successful and I hope that it didn’t do too much damage to my mental health. Continue reading How I deal with anger, or the way I try to choose the people in my life

Why I chose to study physics


When I first chose to study physics I did that in part because I thought it would be the best way for me to help humanity as a whole. The reasoning behind this was that research into physics would further human knowledge about the fundamental nature of space, matter and time, which in turn yields technical advances which benefit humanity.  Another reason why I thought I would benefit humanity the most by becoming a physicist is that I thought that might be the topic in which I had the most talent, I always was bad in just memorising stuff and physics and math are the research areas where you need to memorise the least amount of things but instead need to have an talent for understanding things and an talent for using logic. Before I end this blogpost I apologise for not posting anything for while.